Relationship- Growing Up

Ever wondered how things just get so complicated you have no idea how to go back? Yeah, usually that’s me.

Often I think of the days when things were so simple and there was no need to read in between the lines, but then we were kids right blinded by naivety in teenage romances that seemed like they would last forever and we would get married and make babies, such blissful dreams we had then.

So how does it all go from being in a relationship with that cute boy in school. who calls you on your home telephone and picks you up in his parents car at your “corner spot” and you drive to your usual hang out only to realize its time to go home and you hate it and you just want to be together all the time. When you giggle when kissing and just want to be in his arms all the time! Oh and you hate your parents because they are keeping you away from your happiness because clearly they can not see that this boy makes you happy. Everything is just black and white, no grey areas, to a whole complicated story where you not sure you in a relationship or just sharing a bed???

So fast forward a few years later, You’re  older, you know what you want from life and you are slowly achieving your goals. Only problems is the guy you like, erm…….well he just doesn’t like you as much or you just both never say how exactly you feel because you fear he might take advantage of you if he truly knew how you feel about him. Or you both been in relationships that have taught you a few lessons and you both hold back on certain things and its a relationship but you just don’t let the other person how you really feel. You use safe words like ” I care about you” or “I like you alot” even after 2yrs of dating non of you ever says the L word…………..Yeah you not even allowed to say Love because its a dangerous word Ahhhhhh run for the hills baby!!!! So really……………kinda agonizing no?? Oh yes!!

Oh wait there’s a classic, that thing were you just hang out then you sleeping together and its kinda sort of a relationship but no one really asked the other one out. A sorta SITUATIONSHIP! Yeah, you kinda figure out that if you hanging out frequently and sleeping together well what more can that be??? certainly a relationship. “we don’t have to complicate things by actually saying, so will you go out with me or will you be my girlfriend” Situationship!

So my question is, Does growing up mean that we leave behind simple pleasures of relationship life like, Giggling while you kiss, tickling each other, holding hands and talking on the phone for hours and afterwards having an argument about who hangs up first? Yeah mostly naive questions but these are usually the things that we remember the most. Yeah good sex is great. Every once in a while i will think about the night when i felt like a gymnast; when my legs were in places i thought they possibly could never reach. But i will smile fondly at memories of times i kissed someone and giggled or when we tickled each other till we were making out.

I’m a grown woman but there are certain things I wish we did not have to live behind. #Sigh

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My Father- Locked away…..

My earliest memory is that of my father. I remember it was a room, probably their bedroom with my mum, and i was in my cot. My father walked up to my cot, in the back ground there was lots of sunlight coming through the window. Seems like a bright morning. He picked me up from my cot and rocked me. I must have been crying. Thats the only memory i have of contact with my father, after that it was just my mum.

I had always wondered what happened to him. At first i was so sure he was dead, killed in the war in the Middle east. My aunt before she died said she knew he was still alive and that one day he would come for me. I waited through out my teen years. That never happened until I was 25yrs old and I found out he was alive and living in the UK.

I was mad!!! why hadn’t he bothered to find me? I had so many questions and i just wanted to find out why he did not bother to find me.

He declined to speak to me. I felt so rejected. Why would my own father deny me the opportunity to speak with him. Why doesn’t he love me??

I was told my father had a medical condition for years and that he hadn’t been himself for the longest time. I thought to myself “thats hope, I could help him come out of it” but it was only a dream. He still refused to speak with me. I have so many unanswered questions and today I live with the fact that they will never get answered.

Sometimes I imagine sitting across from him and asking him all the questions I have had all these years “Did you love me when you first held me in your arms? Did you love my mum? what happened with my mum, why didn’t you try to make things work? so many questions….

I am still mad at him, but deep inside me, i still long for the opportunity to help him get well. to tell him about my life, my kid, my adventures in life. To hold him and tell him that I am happy i found him….. but only just wishes.

So today, my father lives in they dark side of my heart. The side i dare not expose to my friends and my family because I have to  look strong. I want to look like I don’t care that he does not want to speak to me. In there he stays, locked away with broken hopes, dreams and promises.

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